As of the end of January 2016, we had 94 members in the 2nd Wives Club of South
Carolina. (We now have over 100!). 44% of our members answered
a recent survey. The statistics are telling:
- The length of the first marriage ranges from 7-30 years, yet all are paying permanent alimony.
- The professions of the husbands run the gamut. They are mechanics, physicians, salesmen, construction workers, attorneys, engineers, and business owners.
- While 88% of the second wives work, only 44% of the first wives do. The second wives who do not work are on disability. One is retired. The second wives work as administrators, ministers, teachers, professors, chefs, physicians, accountants, and in real estate and finance, to name but a few professions.
- Monthly alimony payments range from $300/month to $8000/month. The average alimony payment is $2,183.41.
- This amounts, on the average, to 33% of the husband’s income.
- Over half of the second wives have contributed to or paid the alimony of their husband’s ex-spouse, either short or long term (meaning more than a decade).
- While half of the first wives do have a college degree, the biggest complaint from the second wives survey participants is that the first wife is intentionally under-employed. Several participants wrote that their husband’s ex-spouse has declared her intent not to re-marry and to make her ex-husband pay until he dies. The survey participants comment that one should not be penalized for the rest of one’s life for a failed marriage, that this divorce without finality and separation is cruel, and that their husbands cannot retire.
- Some would-be second wives refuse to marry their partner, fearing they are putting their own finances in jeopardy, for example, if the first wife takes them back to court for more alimony based on their combined income. This happened--per a court order--to one of our members at the end of December 2015; her income was included to justify the alimony her husband had been ordered to pay, even though it was determined by the court that he was not underemployed!
The Second Wives and Partners Club of South Carolina inherited its name from similar organizations in other states. The purpose of the Second Wives is to emphasize that permanent periodic alimony negatively impacts the lives of women, children, and men.
Please support Alimony Reform in South Carolina. We believe alimony has its place, to provide equity for both parties at the end of the marriage. But in this day and age, permanent alimony should no longer be the most common form of alimony awarded in South Carolina.
My husband was ordered to pay permanent alimony when he was actually unemployed. The judge based his alimony payments on his previous income, which was close to $100K a year. He ended up being unemployed for two plus years and has never found employment earning anywhere near that amount of money. Thus, he had gotten behind in alimony payments and went to jail for six months because of it. He has been homeless and was actually living with his parents when we met.
ReplyDeleteWhen he did find work, he started paying as much as he could towards alimony. But since it was not the full amount, his pay was garnished at 50% and he and I were forced to live separate. I now live with my family in another state 500 miles away and he lives in a boarding house in a seedy part of town.
He has not had a vehicle since 2012. He has walked to work (7 miles each way), walked to his doctor's office (when he could afford to go) as he has chronic diseases. He walks just about anywhere he needs to go. We were just able to purchase a 2001 vehicle from my family at very low cost.
He often does not have enough food to eat but does not qualify for food stamps because they do not take into account his alimony so he makes too much, even though he never sees 50% of his pay.
He often suffers in tremendous physical pain for weeks at a time because he does not have money for necessary medical care or transportation.
Being apart has put a tremendous strain on our marriage. We are slowly saving money for an apartment so we can reunite.
We would love to seek a reduction in alimony to be more in line with his current pay, but we cannot pay the $300 an hour attorney's fees or the $3,000 retainer they request up front. And we don't qualify for a pro bono attorney through the S.C. Bar Association because--yes, you guessed it, even they do not take into account his alimony when deciding if he qualifies for the program. So he makes too much.
And if we did go to court, that is a huge risk. Would he be ordered to pay more for some strange reason, as we've heard happen to others? Or would he possibly go to jail AGAIN since he did not appear in court once for an alimony hearing? At the time, we lived five hours away from the courthouse and did not have a vehicle. And he was summoned just three days prior to the hearing; not enough time to find a ride with a friend; most of who work during those hours or live too far away to assist. And we did not have a phone at the time to even call anyone--things that judges do not understand. So he would most likely end up in jail and possibly lose his current job.
He has no other choice than to keep paying his ex-wife alimony so she can go on trips and travel and gamble and maintain the lifestyle she had grown accustomed to, while we live like this.
Most importantly, my husband has not seen his child, who is now a teenager, in four years because he cannot afford to pay for a trip. Or have a bed (or even a sofa) for the child to sleep on. Or food to eat. What if there is an emergency? He cannot even take his child to the doctor. Meanwhile, the child is virtually ignored by the mother in the home and is now using drugs at age 13. A child my husband was very close to and involved with during his prior marriage.
Not a very happy ending for any one of us, except maybe for the one receiving permanent alimony.
I was so excited to learn of the "2nd Wives and Partner" arm of the SC Alimony Reform process. My husband was married to his first wife 15 years and has now been divorced 21 years and you know the story.....still paying alimony. We are approaching retirement age and of course the payments become even more burdensome as we look at being able to make it financially as our income becomes more fixed.........will we be the ones continuing to work into our 70s so we can continue to support someone who (with a college degree) has chosen to stay home and do nothing with her life? I am continually hopeful the groundswell of support for SC Alimony Reform continues and that positive changes are seen in the not-too-distant future! Thanks to all who are supporting, fighting, and especially those leading this fight!
ReplyDeleteWow! For a second I thought I wrote this. This is almost my exact story. But, I really don't find it odd as this is the same situation for so many.
DeleteOnly 44% of first wives work? I have to admit that I'm still in shock at such a low figure.
ReplyDeleteI'm one of the women that is unwilling to get married because I don't want my income to be included in possible calculations for alimony. Why does my income factor into calculations at all? I wasn't married to the ex-spouse. What is the alternative? We get married and I quit my job? That is not happening. Or what if I started a business and I became a millionaire? Then she would get the benefit of that as well? I'm sorry, but that's not happening either. So, once again, another part of my life is on hold. How many more parts do I have to sacrifice because I devotedly love my partner?
We are being held hostage in our lives to a ridiculously one-sided law and that needs to change.
The ex divorced him. He attempted to reconcile. She used the divorce as a tool figuring his guilt would give her the upper hand and she could then continue in her manipulative ways to use him to fund her perceived entitled life style. They were married 20 yrs. Alimony has been ongoing for 15. She was given everything! House, vehicles, realestate etc. She sold it all and bought a new house. Ran up credit over $100K and even sqeezed a felonious extra $300 out of him to 'save' the house. He even sold his only car to be able to pay that. She had to file bankruptcy and will not relinquish .10 of the alimony. She's never going to marry. We'll never be able to stop paying her until she dies. We even thought obama care might take up some of the slack, but not according to her. We asked for a lump sum final payment...she couldn't even come up with a figure that would suit her. So we cut all corners. Drive very old car, clip coupons, grow veggies and don't eat out nor vacation. It's ok...we have peace of mind anyway. Money does not buy the happiness we have with each other. She's just eaten up with self indulgence, a sense of entitlement and a son living in a half million dollar home who could help but won't. She has to live with herself...I'm just happy I'm not her. It's true too that the attorney fees are too high and too risky to borrow that kind of money for what would likely be a hopeless cause. We can't do that either. Hope she and her new 'kidney' are compatible. Hope her salon visits, manicures and vacations are giving her what she sees as her due. You know it took two to get to the point of divorce. She knows what she did to contribute to a divorce that ultimately she filed for. What a sham. We're over retirement age...that's a laugh every month we write that big fat check to feed her new wardrobe.
ReplyDeleteOne thing that I can't quite grasp about the ex-spouses that are intentionally unemployed is what is the primary motivation? Is it greed? Punishment? General lack of interest in finding a better job? I mean, I get it, the marriage between two people failed and that is terrible. Any time a relationship ends, it is sad for everyone. Permanent alimony sounds like a open wound that keeps getting ripped open every month. No chance of healing or recovery. If you are intentionally unemployed, then the motivation at that point is NOT about support or actually "needing it." Moving on and becoming independent sounds a lot more productive and healthier for all those involved. Especially for the 2nd spouses and partners that just want to have happy, fulfilling relationships.
ReplyDeleteMy husband pays alimony to 2 ex-wives. He had children with the first, was married 15 years to her. The children are now grown, and he no longer has to pay child support, but continues with alimony. He has approached her on several occasions, asking for relief, but, she continues to stand firm...telling him that "alimony is for life" and that maybe he should sell something if he is having financial difficulties. She sold their family home approximately 2 years ago for over $500K, clearing several hundreds of thousands, in spite of telling him and friends that she would forego alimony once she sold the house. Wife No. 2 is even worse. She receives twice as much alimony than the first wife, although they were only married for a little over 10 yrs. She is irresponsible with finances, lost her home 2 years ago and had to file bankruptcy in spite of the fact that she also was awarded a large chunk of his retirement fund. She since moved back in with her parents and she continues to live off her mother since her father’s death. She does not work, and, for all we know continues smoking pot while living off her mother and my husband's alimony payments. Since that divorce, during their marriage we have discovered that she sat around the house all day smoking pot when not at her part-time job. Since moving in with her mother, she doesn’t work at all. She has a 4 yr degree. My husband will soon be 63 y/o and has worked for the same company for almost 45 yrs doing work that is physically demanding. His health is declining, but, he cannot retire due to the alimony. We have tried seeking legal recourse, but, the lawyers tell us there is not much we can do. Wife No. 1 travels abroad at least 1-2 times a year, has bought a smaller home with cash, owns 2 relatively new vehicles, and continues to work part-time. She also receives a retirement check from her 35-yr job. Thus, she is more financially sound than us, and is able to enjoy many luxuries, including worldwide trips in her retirement that we can only dream about. No. 2's parents were relatively well-off and she is now benefitting from her mother's generosity, thus, has no motivation to support herself financially. She will undoubtedly continue to benefit to a much larger degree once her mother is deceased as a result of inheriting her parents' estate...continuing to live off us, smoking her pot, without any attempt to support herself. In the meantime, she apparently indulges herself in causes, men, and self-indulgent hobbies. I, too, am a divorcee and never asked for alimony. I knew I could support myself, and have been successful in doing so. I did not feel it fair to burden my ex with the task of supporting me because I believed in myself. I write this because neither one of us can afford to retire because of these two leeches. The physical demands of my husband's job may end up killing him before he has an opportunity to retire and enjoy life. He drives a 25 year old car, and is enslaved to living a life of frugality. If not for me, he would be homeless or forced to live off his children. He suffers from back problems, skin cancers, and a bad knee which is further aggravated by his work. But, he can't retire, because to do so would mean a decrease in his income with no relief from alimony payments. I would most likely have to make up the deficit from my income. It angers me to think that they have no self-respect, no self-pride, are lazy, drug induced, and feel “owed”. We live a very modest life, and do not spend money frivolously, we do not vacation, and we live a clean life. He has made enough sacrifices...and, it saddens me that our happy marriage could be cut short if his health continues to decline. I even told wife No. 1 that she runs the risk of their children losing their Dad way too soon due to his alimony payments. Apparently, that comment didn't even phase her.
ReplyDeleteMy husband was married for 9 years and has been paying alimony for 13 now. It was the second marriage for each and she had two children which he supported during their marriage. She got everything, including the house which is now in foreclosure.
ReplyDeleteShe says she won't ever get married again because she wants his money. She wants him to think about her every month when he pays it. She doesn't work, even though she is able. She receives 1/3 of his salary. To say this is just or fair is just plain wrong. South Caroline legislators can't really think this is right? People should not be punished for life for making a mistake in marrying the wrong person.