2016 2nd Wives and Partners Survey Results

As of the end of January 2016, we had 94 members in the 2^nd Wives Club of South Carolina. (We now have over 100!). 44% of our members answered a recent survey. The statistics are telling:

• The length of the first marriage ranges from 7-30 years, yet all are paying permanent alimony.
• The professions of the husbands run the gamut. They are mechanics, physicians, salesmen, construction workers, attorneys, engineers, and business owners.
• While 88% of the second wives work, only 44% of the first wives do. The second wives who do not work are on disability. One is retired. The second wives work as administrators, ministers, teachers, professors, chefs, physicians, accountants, and in real estate and finance, to name but a few professions.
• Monthly alimony payments range from $300/month to $8000/month. The average alimony payment is $2,183.41.
• This amounts, on the average, to 33% of the husband’s income. 
• Over half of the second wives have contributed to or paid the alimony of their husband’s ex-spouse, either short or long term (meaning more than a decade). 
• While half of the first wives do have a college degree, the biggest complaint from the second wives survey participants is that the first wife is intentionally under-employed. Several participants wrote that their husband’s ex-spouse has declared her intent not to re-marry and to make her ex-husband pay until he dies. The survey participants comment that one should not be penalized for the rest of one’s life for a failed marriage, that this divorce without finality and separation is cruel, and that their husbands cannot retire. 
• Some would-be second wives refuse to marry their partner, fearing they are putting their own finances in jeopardy, for example, if the first wife takes them back to court for more alimony based on their combined income. This happened--per a court order--to one of our members at the end of December 2015; her income was included to justify the alimony her husband had been ordered to pay, even though it was determined by the court that he was not underemployed!

The Second Wives and Partners Club of South Carolina inherited its name from similar organizations in other states. The purpose of the Second Wives is to emphasize that permanent periodic alimony negatively impacts the lives of women, children, and men.

Please support Alimony Reform in South Carolina. We believe alimony has its place, to provide equity for both parties at the end of the marriage. But in this day and age, permanent alimony should no longer be the most common form of alimony awarded in South Carolina.

Who Are the Second Wives and Partners? What Can You Do?

We are women (and their partners) who believe that the alimony laws in the state of South Carolina are outdated, specifically the awarding of permanent alimony as the most common form of alimony awarded. Many of us have been directly harmed by these laws. We may actually be the ones paying our spouse's alimony, because he has suffered a financial downturn. We may not be able to retire, along with our spouse, because our husbands owe their ex-wives so much in alimony each month that retirement is impossible. We may be struggling to put children through college, perhaps step-children whose mother is receiving the money in alimony that should be going toward the childrens' college education. The ways in which the old laws are one-sided are endless. Even short marriages can result in permanent alimony.

Our goal is to educate the public and our legislators concerning the inequities the old laws have created. We no longer live in a society where the majority of women stay home with their children while their husbands work. What the old laws have created is a system wherein there is no incentive for women receiving permanent alimony, many of whom are college-educated and have had good paying jobs in the past, to work or to look for new, long-term relationships. They often remain mired in the past, financially  and emotionally, which also damages their children. Many of these men have become walking annuities; the pressure is tremendous. We believe that temporary alimony has its place, but permanent alimony in this day and age is inequitable.

Over the last few months, just about every day, one or several new members have joined the 2nd Wives Club. SC Alimony Reform (which has hundreds of members!) has been very busy this winter and into the spring--meeting with Senators and Representatives; putting up billboards; recording radio and television ads; writing hardship stories of members who have suffered terribly under South Carolina's archaic alimony laws and getting these stories to the media; working with a lobbyist; writing letters to editors; doing television, newspaper, and radio interviews; and donating to fund the advertising when we can. SC Alimony Reform bumper stickers have become more and more visible. Perhaps you, too, have been involved in these efforts!

Help us bring South Carolina's alimony laws up-to-date. We have introduced bill H-3215, which calls for a task force to create new and equitable laws. Call and write your legislators (specifically the senators below), and ask them to support bill H-3215. Good law should be able to protect the interests of all sides within reason. Help us make South Carolina a state where people don't think twice about getting married. 

Bill H-3215 has already passed in the House. Please use the link below to contact senators on the Senate Judiciary Committee, asking them to support the bill, so that it will move to a vote in the Senate next. The link allows you to send an email to all members of the Senate Judiciary Committee at once. 

http://www.scstatehouse.gov/committee.php?chamber=S#jud

Thank you for your time and continued efforts!

We Are Growing Like Crazy!

It is so exciting to be in contact with so many new members of the 2nd Wives and Partners Club! Since South Carolina Alimony Reform has become more visible to the public through billboards, articles in The State Newspaper, radio ads, and interviews by Fox News in Greenville and WISTV in Columbia, the word is getting out. You and your partner do not have to suffer under the burden of permanent alimony alone. And, the laws can be changed!

We have had several fruitful meetings with senators and representatives in the last few weeks, explaining the impact of the antiquated alimony laws on South Carolina families today. Very few people are aware that permanent alimony is the most common form of alimony awarded in this state, often even when the marriage lasted less than ten years and the individuals have a lifetime ahead of them. The lawmakers we approached agree that it is time to take a look at the old laws on the books in the context of the modern economy.

So many have asked me--what can I do? There are several things:

1) Write your the legislators (senator and representative) from your district a letter or email, explaining how the laws are hurting you and your family and how you would like to see the law changed. Ask them for their help and support on this matter. Specifically, South Carolina Alimony Reform has proposed a bill, filed by Jerry Govan, calling for the formation of a task force to revise the old laws. Ask your legislators to support this bill.

2) Write your local paper. An editorial or opinion piece lets the public know what the current law is (most people don't believe you when you say permanent means forever) and how you would like to see it changed. This will let others in the same boat know they are not alone.

3) Comment on this blog--let your story speak for itself. Let your voice be heard.

We can get the laws changed in this state. The 2nd Wives have been instrumental in other states, helping the public to see that both women and men are negatively impacted by old laws that no longer reflect the economic reality of modern families.

Welcome new members! We know the laws can be changed, because it has been done in other states, and Florida and New Jersey are in the midst of reform initiatives as well. There is a real sense of momentum. Thank you for your support!

Second Wives of South Carolina Meet

Friday, December 12th, The Second Wives Club met to discuss the coming legislative session. We came to a consensus on the following:

1. End permanent alimony. We share the common goal of ending permanent alimony in the state in favor of rehabilitative (temporary) alimony to be paid to the lesser earning spouse over a period of time appropriate to the length of the marriage, if indeed there is a large income disparity between the divorcing parties. This will allow both parties to plan for their financial well-being accordingly. This will make it possible for parents to pay for college tuition for their children, rather than support a fully-grown ex-spouse, since paying for both is impossible. This will allow everyone to retire upon reaching retirement age. And it encourages the individuals to get on with their lives in a healthy way.
2. Guidelines. Alimony should be determined according to a clear set of guidelines, rather than the cumbersome and lengthy list of factors currently left up to the discretion of the judge, which has led to inconsistent rulings. 
3. Purpose of alimony. It is a well-known myth that both parties can maintain the same standard of living upon divorce, since two households have been established. Why then is this language still used to describe the purpose of alimony and how much the lesser earning spouse should receive? Instead, we would like to see language that reflects the desire of the divorcing parties to be treated fairly, which might include rehabilitative alimony for the lesser earning spouse. The purpose of alimony should be to enable the lesser earning spouse to move towards financial independence through rehabilitative alimony for a length of time appropriate for the length of the marriage. This also means that alimony can never be raised above its original amount, as this would make the payor more responsible for the payee than at the time of divorce, which is not the purpose of alimony.
4. Ability to pay. This is an unfair standard sometimes used to justify making the payor tap into retirement funds or take out costly loans to pay alimony he or she cannot afford, even after losing a job or experiencing a decline in income. Often, payors must go to these extremes or face going to jail. In this economy, imputing income (a judge saying how much an individual should be able to generate) is an unfair practice. 
5. Seeking adjustments/reductions in alimony. It must be possible to seek adjustments in alimony when circumstances change. This means that the income and assets of the payee (the ex-spouse receiving alimony) should also be taken into consideration.
6. Co-habitation. Current rulings on co-habitation are unsatisfactory. For example, if a boyfriend or girlfriend leaves the home for a weekend, the 90 day co-habitation period may begin again. This clearly is not the intent of the law, which seeks to ensure that an individual paying alimony is not supporting an ex-spouse and his or her new partner.
7. Earnings and Assets of the Second Wife. The second wife's income and assets should never be taken into consideration when determining alimony. Making a couple financially responsible for a first wife in no way speaks to the purpose of alimony, nor does it reflect the reality of most women who work outside the home and perhaps also raise children. Good law encourages the independence of divorcing parties in an economy where both men and women work. Second wives have worked to achieve their own financial independence and should never have to contribute to the alimony of the first wife.

~The Second Wives Club of South Carolina

What I Learned at the Family Law Reform Conference

In Sweden only 2% of divorce cases end up in court. How can that be, when in the United States so many people end up in long, drawn out legal battles with an ex-partner who becomes the enemy?  Instead, mediation is the norm in Sweden, where 98% of divorce cases are handled by mediators who negotiate fair settlements for everyone involved. And yet in America, authors pen books which laud a "take-no-prisoners guide to divorce."

Last weekend, people from all parts of the country from all different walks of life came together in Alexandria, Virginia to talk about Family Law Reform. The conference was organized by a man named Joseph Sorge, who has written a book and produced a film, both entitled Divorce Corp. It is both frustrating and reassuring to learn that the family law system in the United States was not originally intended to be adversarial. And yet, here we are, stuck in a process that drags on and encourages separating spouses to go at each other for money, property, and custody.

I am encouraged because so many people bothered to travel distances small and large to attend. It is healing to hear people say--it doesn't have to be this way! It is even more energizing to then rally around plans to move forward and create real change.

Groups in other states have been successful in changing laws, and many more have bills on the table. A large part of the work that is being done is about educating the public about just how antiquated the laws have become. Unless you have been through it yourself, it is hard to imagine that you might be ordered to pay more than half of your income to your ex-spouse, even though he or she has a good job and a college education. It is hard to imagine that you can be married to someone for as few as 7 or 8 years and be expected to pay him or her alimony for the rest of your life. It is hard to believe that while your ex's income increases and yours decreases, you cannot get your alimony payments lowered. It is hard to understand why the law says you have no legal or financial obligation to your children after they turn eighteen, but that you are financially responsible for a fully-grown ex-spouse until you or he or she dies. And it is impossible to understand how our state makes retirement impossible for those who pay alimony, because alimony does not end when your income is drastically reduced in retirement. And this is just the alimony side of family law reform!

Most people would agree that everyone should have the right to retire. Most people would agree that having a permanent financial responsibility to an ex-spouse to whom you were married less than a decade is treating that spouse like a child. The purpose of family law reform is to create laws which serve the vast majority well. For example, most people agree that alimony is just but permanent alimony is not. But the process to change the process doesn't have to be adversarial either. That's what I took away from the Family Law Reform Conference. The way to change an adversarial process is through educating the public.

30 Somethings Give Me Hope

So I was in Charlotte recently and received more questions about my "Stop Permanent Alimony" bumper sticker in North Carolina than I have ever gotten here in SC. People were simply curious. What I found so heartening was that most of the questions came from individuals in their thirties, who really didn't understand the concept of alimony, especially permanent alimony. One guy was quite confused to see me, a female, approach my car, since he assumed a man would be driving a car with an anti-alimony (permanent alimony) sticker on it. I explained that I, too, was paying the alimony. He asked if this was different than child-support, and I replied that not only is it different, it's permanent. This type of alimony does not end when your children turn eighteen.

His questions was, "But why?" I could only smile. "That's a very good question," I answered. He couldn't imagine why you would continue to pay for an ex-spouse, an adult, as if they are a child, indefinitely. I don't know what divorce laws are like in NC, but I explained that in SC, depending upon the situation and especially if there is a difference in income and earning power at the time of the divorce, you can get stuck with permanent alimony. I explained that my husband was married for eight years and had paid alimony and child-support for eight years to the tune of close to a half a million dollars. He was shocked. We acknowledged that sometimes, but less often, women pay alimony to ex-husbands and that some women do not get the alimony awards they deserve.

The reactions from both men and women, all in their early thirties, give me hope, because they suggest that Millennials take for granted that they are responsible for themselves and that marriage and subsequent divorce should not free you from the need or desire to take care of yourself. These reactions also suggest that such assumptions will eventually lead to changes in divorce law and the way alimony is awarded.

Before parting ways, I made it clear that I think alimony has its place, but that permanent alimony is a crushing burden. He really got it. He thanked me for my explanation and walked away shaking his head, but not before pointing out that some of the wealthiest women in the world happen to be divorcees with whopping alimonies.

Alimony Blues

So yesterday the pest control guy saw my "Stop Permanent Alimony" bumper sticker and put me onto a Led Zeppelin song "Livin', Lovin' Maid":

Alimony, alimony, payin' your bills

livin', lovin', she is just a woman

I've never been a Led Zeppelin fan, but the image of a groupie "with a purple umbrella and a fifty cent hat" who followed the band around because someone else was paying her bills rings true. 

Of course, what could be better to convey the hopeless misery one feels when paying your ex so much of your earnings that his or her lifestyle is better and freer than yours than the blues? Eddie Cleanhead Vinson sings,

Alimony alimony I thought I bought steak and it was all baloney

My heart and back are both about to break from paying' for my mistake yeah.

If country music is more your speed, you can yodel along with Joe Manuel's "Alimony Blues." Manuel reminds us that "we all have trouble sometimes" but that his two wives are just too much. Mel Tillis and the Old Dogs have their own version. Listen at:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9701YPoAcbM

Even Weird Al Yankovic spoofed Billy Idol's "Mony Mony" with his song "Even Worse--Alimony." Hard to listen to, but straight to the point.

When sifting through all the various alimony songs, whether rock, blues, country, or pop, you will find that they all ask the same question one song explicitly queries," Judge, where is your justice?"

In a recent motion to reconsider, the judge refused to take into account proof of my husband's monthly earnings, but chose instead to continue to impute $7,000 a month (which he is not making). Even if he were earning that much, the alimony would still be 24% of his monthly income (this is alimony only, not child support, which is additional). As it stands, he is paying something like $49% of what he works for each month.

I have an uncle who paid 80% of his income to his ex-wife for some years. He barely eked out an existence. The difference is, his alimony in Pennsylvania ended when his children turned 18. No such luck in our case. The alimony is permanent. Judge, where is your justice?